Some people asked me how it is, a little over a month later, with the management of my anxiety and I will be honest, managing the causes of anxiety is like living with a mosquito bite.
From time to time it itches you and if you do not soothe the source, obviously you will stupidly scratch.
Anxiety is your childhood calling for help […] it’s a separation from yourself.
Doctor Russell Kennedy
I tried to be much more attentive, to the warning signs, to my defense mechanisms, to everything that could make me say that I was touching something painful.
And then I made the mistake that everyone makes when trying to break with habits: I lowered my guard by telling myself that it was okay, so that I had «obviously» understood the thing.
Can you feel the big slap that followed?
I understood the whole thing so well that I missed all the signs and I denied the anxiety and ended up in a panic attack.
What’s all this about?
Because I gave importance to a speech and more precisely to what that speech said about me.
It does not matter, in fact, what this speech said in detail, the main substance that I took full force is “she lies on all the line”.
And I ran into the wall.
I found myself in my skin, at the age of 6, at one of the passages before the judge in family affairs, mandatory for children in care, with these people who talk about me as if I were absent and hold me responsible for my mother’s shortcomings.
And give their corrected version of events, to cover up their professional misconduct, rather than a factual record on the grounds that everyone but them would lie.
Learn, share, include.
Once again, I made this damn step aside, out of my core values and obviously it went wrong.
Because instead of clinging to reality, the strength of the instruction of my complaints, the strength of the factual on everything and all the positive in my daily life, to make it something to share with others, I took the defensive posture forcing me to justify myself.
What I should have done, instead, was, failing not to prevent me from reacting, to recall a fundamental point of law: the burden of proof lies with the prosecution.
Point.
Then people do what they want with the information.
“If they can and they won’t, then they don’t care.”
Mel Robbins
I can’t do anything about people taking another person’s word for it.
I can’t do anything about people believing that if they cross me, they should hit me, based on a web of lies.
I cannot do anything about the fact that people claim to be left-wing and close to minorities and choose to take the side of a person against whom a fraud complaint is educated and documented of predation on a minority.
And besides the fact that I cannot do anything, I am not accountable for it.
It’s been 5 years since I put my life on hold, because of all this.
Because I’ve been foolishly thinking to myself for 5 years that even going out shopping, participating in a show, even where friends exhibit, living, has become too dangerous.
It’s been 5 years since I let lies become a prison, with the help of “what if…”.
What if tomorrow I get stuck between him and his brainwashed groupies and I get beat up?
What if tomorrow I end up with even less income because of this story?
I locked myself in a negative visualization, even when I was resuming activities and energy.
I left the power to decide my life to strangers who literally believe that I am finished.
And boom, bis repetitas.
The shape was different, but I fell back into the same trap.
“Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me”, brain version.
Learn, share, include.
It’s not easy, that’s the main lesson of the story.
Maybe you’ve experienced that too, maybe this morning you missed a step up the healing staircase and you know what? That’s okay.
There is no failure as long as we stand up.
And if we are back at the bottom of the stairs, what we must say is that we at least know what the steps we had already climbed and the trap we had not anticipated look like.
Maybe there’ll be more falls, maybe not, but sooner or later we’ll find ourselves at the top of the stairs 😉
My next test will be to allow me to do everything that I no longer did because of what I had convinced myself.
I’m going to learn not to be afraid anymore.
I’ll allow myself to go to the conventions.
I will accept the risk of living.
Because in fact, before it had never stopped me and I survived so many things, why would suddenly my truth die at the feet of a handful of lies?
And fuck it, I always said I wanted to live so that people who have a similar background to mine, from formerly fostered child to have one more person to fight for them, one more person to say that we deserve our place in society so much, and I will give up after winning against all odds, in the face of state interference, to crush myself against people who believe a divine word because suddenly they would all seem more dangerous to me than I have ever faced?
Yes, shame on me.
At worst, fear was justified and everyone will have to answer even faster for their actions.
At worst.
And more likely, I could well take the place that several people told me was mine, if I dared.
It comes back to the eternal question: should we prefer to regret what we have done or what we have not done?
I think we never live too much.
And so, I will give news more regularly, I will conquer this region of my life that refuses to be mine and I will therefore present a little more my current projects.
Including a thriller based on true stories of… hit men (yes my specific interest in law sometimes leads me to WTF topics).
I hope to find you by my side in this renewed adventure.
A big thank you to the people who supported me in my last panic attack (especially the person who had to physically handle my meltdown from hell).
And I have to mention my best sick guard, Moka, my big fluffy love, best remedy when it goes to shutdown, one day he will have his book, he deserves too much.
If noone told you today: you are great, you can do it, at your own pace, I love you, I believe in you, I am proud of you and you should be too!
See you soon 🙂